Re:fine United… who are they again?
For those new to re:fine and those who have never cared, re:fine United are re:fine’s much maligned 5-a-side football team. We’re the unwanted child of any football league, the Mighty Ducks without the happy ending, the bumbling fools who turn up to play football wearing St Patrick’s Day hats, sweating out six pints of Guinness. We’re good-spirited, untalented and incredibly optimistic.
The team consists of many people dotted around the building, but the hardcore regular players (who played 9 or more matches) are:
The Coach - Torsten Bog “Standard”
The Team
Torsten Bog, Yusuf Bhunnoo, Andy Tomczak, Dan Corbett, Philip Dumas, Rinat Nazmutdinov, Jarek Wojtow, Abul Ali, Ben Keable, Neil Herbert, Oli Dalton
A (very brief) History Lesson
In re:fine United’s illustrious history, we have experienced lows that are lower than the moral depths of a News Of The World reporter and higher highs then Pete Doherty on a normal Saturday night out in Hoxton. Relegation, Promotion, Cup final defeats…we’ve seen them all, taken them in our stride, and run home to tell our mummies what a mean person Yusuf Bhunnoo can be.
The Championship
Following an amazing turn around in the middle of last season, this season re:fine United found themselves back in the Championship. From experience we knew this league was what separated the men from the boys, but we entered undeterred with our usual sense of optimism, knowing that we weren’t the same team of seasons past. We were fitter, stronger, and quicker. Hell, we even had new snazzy shirts! With our names on! This could be our season! COME ON BOYS!!!!
We were then beaten in our first match 6-2.
After some lacklustre performances and with 2 games to go we were back to hovering dangerously close to the relegation zone, with 4 points required to guarantee safety. Our penultimate game was against Mosquitos and incredibly we won 6-2 in an inspired display that will go down in the history books.
We were now safe, but also looking like promotion candidates if results went our way!
Promotion?
The final match day came yesterday and re:fine United were geared up for the battle of their lives / Wednesday.
Our opponents were battling for their survival. But they didn’t realise that we had a crowd to impress. Winning the game 2-1 not only relegated our opponents, but also say re:fine united finish 2nd (ok, it was by default because another team dropped out, but it still counts) and secured promotion to the BBC Premiership. Which we have declined. Because it’s on a Thursday night. And it’s chuffing difficult in that league.
The Future…
re:fine United are still in the Championship, ready to kick off the season how they ended it; with luck and other people’s misfortune. It has been a genuine pleasure to see everyone’s enthusiasm and eternal optimism never wane, despite almost two million reasons for it to do so. Yeah, so we’re a bit massively crap, but we don’t care – we love the damn game, so bring on next season!
Neil Herbert’s Seasons Awards
(Sponsored by Guinness and Elonex Knee Pads)
The Jonathan Woodgate award for best debut
No one made their debut this season, so this award goes to Chris Parry!
The Rinat award for headless chicken
Jarik, for his ability to erm, “mark”, in the final game of the season; he is a “defender” after all!
Tourretes award
Torsten. Has taken over from Yusuf as the re:fine Utd sole contributor to the swear jar. Losing it at the opposition, the referee, even his own players. Beware the red mist.
Pass of the Season
Andrew Tomczak’s 40 yard through ball against All rights dipping just over the head of the defender onto the toe of Abul. Laser.
The Robert Green award for goalkeeping excellence (sponsored by Anchor butter)
Again this accolade is awarded to young Mr Herbert for his display against Mosquitos. The scoreline may have ended 6-2, but that was in no small part due to vital saves in the opening stages of the game when things were much closer.
Most improved player
Rinat. No longer throwing up his lunch time soup, he has shown a great versatility in both ends of the pitch and was one of the most influential players in our victorious cup run.
The THOU SHALL NOT PASS award for defensive defensiveness
Neil Herbert. Proved in the first and last games of the season that as Chumbawumba said “I get knocked down, but I get up again”, and helped to command a strong backline. Until he runs out of energy. Which is fairly often.
Oli Dalton. The Destroyer. The one many destructive force of doom.
The re:fine Supporters Club Award For Best Support
Natalie Dixon
The HR award for best excuses for not playing
“My knees are f***ed” Neil Herbert
“I’ve got a date with Andrew Pyke” Yusuf Bhunnoo
“I’m playing at Reading FC football stadium tonight” Ben Keable
“I think I’m too good for you” Chris Brown
“I dislocated my shoulder” Dave Scullion
The Linford Christie sponsored tackle of the season
Neil Herbert vs. All Rights. He tackled two people in one sitting and still won the ball
The consistency award for being uber-consistent
Dan Corbett. Proved this season that he can mix defensive and attacking abilities with ease while never letting anyone get the better of him. And still remains ridiculously good looking
The Philip Dumas barn-door award
Neil Herbert, Ben Keable
The Andy Gray “take a bow son” goal of the season
Philip Dumas vs Paddy Power. The goal that clinched the cup
Game Of The Season
re:fine 6 – 2 Mosquitos
The award for top goal scorer
Abul McRingerton 21 goals for the whole season, Chris Brown who?!
The Franz Beckenbauer award for efficient coaching
Torsten Bog
Player of the Season Award
Andy Tomczak
re:fine Utd’s leader on the pitch, vocal, determined and master tactician. A ball playing center back with great vision and hard in the tackle, he dragged us through many a game.
Coach Torsten Bog – Season Review
‘The season started with many doubts, we had to sell our star striker Mr Brown, and new sponsorship deals had to be made. Having been promoted up from the bottom division we were sure that we would go straight back down.
A new deal was signed by the newly created re:fine social committee who are now paying the player’s wages, and the team even arranged to get shiny new kits!
This season has been a great one, we defied the odds and not only have we now been promoted back up to the top division, we also won the cup. This fulfils in me a personal dream, as team manager, to have a trophy cabinet at re:fine.
We would like to thank the management for its support and congratulations to the team for their most successful season ever!!!!!
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